photo from deviantart.com

she’s alone in the kitchen. cooking a meal for him. preparing fruit for a dessert. pineapple. peel.pineapple.peel.pineapple.peel. wet. until she’s already peeling, her own, desire. with eyes wide open, she utilizes the sanctity of her female virginal reverie. she looses her own meaning.

Published, SunStar Davao

January 11th, 2009

Dedicated to Kristoffer Alibangbang

photo courtesy of deviantart.com

The dawn is breaking rapidly
like hundred light years have
passed away over the omniscient horizon,
mirroring my heart nestled into
patterned solitude.

…because I have to find the panoramic view of
life. Eyeing differently from gleaming stars, moons and
shadows of light that reflects his cherub façade,

… because I, vowed to see each butterflies and how
they undergone several epiphanies every morning, with
flowers around them, frothed in rain drops, coaxed
by the sun. Leaving me empty with my scratch papers,
lines and silenced metaphors.

…because words are just words. But he composes a bucket of
strayed fragments that I should let go of- to decipher these words
are not just words.

… maybe because , my mind just aches, overfed with this cathartic malady.

…and maybe because, I want to get cured though I know I loved to be severe.

 Published in SunStar Davao

March 23rd, 2008

Batid kong hirap ka sa kinatatayuan mo

ngayon kaibigang kasoy.

Oo nga, ikaw ay madilaw at mukhang masarap.

subalit bakit pagkatao

mo’y nasa kinalahati?

Alam kong sa loob nakalakip ang iyong

walang hanggang pagsisisi

at sa labas nakausli

dunong at kagandahan

na iyong inasam;

sa labas ng iyong kampana

tila mukha kang isa kang nilalang

na  binigti.

Nang dahil lang sa ayaw mo

ang himig payapa

sa loob, kaya ninais mong lumabas ?

Suwail kang talaga!

Di ba’t sinabi na sa ‘yo

ng Amang buto na manatili?

Siguro nga’t di mo alintana

kabalintunaan ng mundo, kaibigan.

Nababasa ka kapag tag-ulan.

Napapaso ka kapag tag-init.

Maingay, mabilis,

mapang-api,

magulo.

Inosente ka nga.

Buti nga…

buti nga…

belat!!!

Ba’t di mo ako piniling gayahin?

Kontento na sa lahat.

Bagay ay sadyang darating

pag hinog na itong mangyari.

Heto ako ngayon –

hinihintay pa ring bumagsak

ang hinog na bayabas kahit

alam ko nang kinakain na ito

ng mga gutom na maya.

Heto ako ngayon.

Ako si Juan.

At kingagalak kong sabihin

Na ako ay tulad

Pa rin

ng

dati,

aking kaibigan.

Tulad pa rin

Ng

Dati.

midnight.

she

waits.

she,

on a chair

exhausted.

on the table,

a bottle of mineral water

 says;

Nature’s gift from nature’s spring.

she took

a sip.

hoping it could quench

the thirst

inside.

sip—

until,

he comes home

and kisses her.

polo shirt,

smells of strawberry.

breath,

filled with rank odor

of beer.

eyes, filled with obscenities

hands burning with

unprecedented desires.

tempting.

but her luggage

is packed to leave all the romance

behind.

she kisses him

not for

a goodnight

but for

a goodbye.

Miss Ganda

my entry to the SULAT DULA – basic Playwriting Workshop in Northern Mindanao

Mga Tauhan:

Maggie Dela Victoria: Labing-siyam na taong gulang na student Nurse. Maganda. Makapal kung mag make-up.

C.I. Leon De Lima: Clinical Instructor nila Maggie at Rhea. Boyfriend ni Liza. Naka -eyeglasses.

Liza Mandacawan: Girlfriend ni Leon. Pasyente sa bed A.

Nurse Tan: Ang NOD (Nurse On Duty sa eleven to seven shift) sa Delivery room

Dr. Ruiz: Ang magpapaanak sa mga pasyente.

Rhea Valera: Matalino, ngunit pangit na classmate ni Maggie.

Patient 2: Pasyente sa bed B

Patient 3: Pasyente sa bed C

Lunan at oras ng dula: Gabi. Makalat ang tatlong hospital beds sa Delivery room ng Davao Medical Center. Lahat ay busy sa pag-aasikaso ng kani-kanilang endorsement call. Si Doktor Ruiz, Nurse Tan, at C.I Leon lang ang on duty. Pupunta ang studyanteng si Rhea sa bed B at uumpisahan ang pag-assess sa kanyang pasyente. Si Leon naman ay uupo sa Nurse station table at uumpisahang i- checheck ang Student Nurse Records. Biglang bubukas ang pintuan. Mahingal-hingal na dadating si Maggie.

Leon: Oh, Ma’am, what brought you here?

Maggie: Sir..late na po ba ako? Ah…Tapos na ba ang Endorsement? Ten-fifty five pa kasi. Natraffic kasi ako Sir eh dahil nagkabangaan yung jeep na sinasakyan ko at yung isang multicab sa may Roxas. Napakamadugo po ng mga happening! Yung iba, ahmm… naipit ung paa, yung iba naman nasunog ang kilay! Grabe po talaga. Syempre, bilang isang student Nurse, responsibilidad ko po na mag-assist sa mga sugatan ng bongang-bonga! Kanina, sinamahan ko po ang 911 sa pagsugod sa ibang pasyente sa may E.R.. Yung mga relatives nag hihysterical na nga eh…—

Leon: Ah… ganun ba?.. Ahm…Ms. Dela Victoria, anong oras nga ba nag-uumpisa ang Endorsement sa Emergency room?

Maggie: Eleven P.M. Sir. Ganito po kasi talaga yun, yung isang sinugod sa—

Leon: Eh , sa Delivery room?

Maggie: Pareho lang po sa may D.R. Ay …hindi…ahmmm..ten…ten-thirty P.M. po ata? (kakamutin ang ulo.)

Leon: Eh, Saan ka nga ba na assign ngayon, Ma’am?

Maggie: Sa Delivery room po.

Leon: at hindi sa?

Maggie: E.R.

Leon: Ay ganun naman pala eh. Ms. Dela Victoria, kung ayaw mong matangal sa Deans List, better check again the time or maybe your alibi. ( Tataas ang boses.) Now, make two Incident reports. Submit it to me before five a.m..Ok? Your Endorsement, handle bed A. Proper and good assessment is a must. Huwag mong pabayaan. Pag dumadaing na, report mo agad sa Nurse on Duty na si Nurse Tan or ipapage mo ako.

Maggie: Yes Sir.

 Leon: I want a good team, ok? I’ve to check your classmates assigned in the isolation room. Here’s the patient’s history sheet, Ma’am. (Ibibigay ang sheet kay Maggie.) Magstart ka na. And by the way, para lang na malaman mo, as of now, wala pang mga pasyente na sinugod sa E.R.. Kagagaling ko lang dun, Maggie.

(Aalis si Leon sa Delivery room. )

Maggie: Thanks for the consideration Sir! Sabi ko nga ba eh, kelangan ko ng mag-umpisa! (Padabog na sasagot…) Hmpph!! Kung umasta parang di kami dating magkakilala. At ano naman ang ipapagawa niya sa akin sa susunod? Bongang- bongang 50 na Incident Report.,40 na tardy slip, at 30 journal with summary plus violent and non- violent reaction? Bwisit namang buhay to oh! Paano ko pa mamemaintain ang paka DL ko? Pinagalitan na nga ako sa house ng napakainconsiderate kong Mommy, papagalitan pa ako dito ng inconsiderate kong ex who turned out to be my ever supladong C.I.! Tsk.. Bwisit! (Titingnan saglit ang history sheet ng pasyente. Lalapitan ang pasyente sa bed A) Tulog ba to? Hello Miss? Miss?…

Liza: Ah… ah…( Mahinang dadaing.)

Maggie: Miss, I’m student Nurse Dela Victoria and I’m here to assist your needs. Hinga lang po tayo ng malalim ok. Ahmm..i-leleopholds maneuver ko po kayo. Tapos i-checheck ko po kung ok ba yung heartbeat ng bata. Don’t worry, hindi po to masakit. (Mamasahiin ang tiyan ng pasyente) Wait lang po ha? Teka… baliktad ata to. Pero, bakit nakalagay dito for normal delivery? Eh, breech ang baby. Pang caesarian to ah. Matanong nga si Rhea. (Lalapitan si Rhea na kasalukuyang chinicheck ang pulso ng patient sa bed C.) Rhea, ahmmm…gusto ko lang sanang mag-ask if totoo ba tong nakalagay dito sa patient’s history sheet. Kasi pag masahe ko, parang breech yung baby eh. Pero nakalagay dito sa Endorsement ni Nurse Reyes, the patient is ok for normal delivery.

Rhea: Akala ko ba eh Deans Lister ka huh? Eh kung yun ang nakalagay eh di follow the Nurse’s command! Tsk, pambihira kasi, nagfourth year nga, eh, wala namang kalaman-laman ang utak. Pang front act lang ang pagka DL.

Maggie: Teka nga, anong sabi mo?

Rhea: Wala. Back to work Ms. Beautiful.  Bantayan mong mabuti yang patient mo, kundi lintik ka talaga sa C.I. natin..( Pahapyaw na tatawa.)

Maggie: Ay naku, malayo talaga ang diperensya ng maganda sa Betty La fea !( Pariringan si Rhea. Babalikan ang pasyente.) Gosh, problema ata to. Recheck ko nga… (Hihimasin ang tiyan ng pasyente.) Breech talaga eh. Ahmmm…Miss, Caesarian po ba kayo or for normal delivery?

Liza: Cae…cae…

Patient 2 sa bed B: Aray!!!! Ah…Ang sakit na! Miss, lalabas na ata ang baby ko!

Rhea: Ma’am konting hintay lang po paparating na si Dr. Ruiz. ( Titingnan ang kanyang wristwatch.)

Patient 3 sa bed C: Ako din Miss manganganak na! Aray!!!

Maggie:  For normal delivery or for caesarian?

Patient 2 sa bed B: Aray!!!! Ang sakit sakit na talaga!

Rhea: Wait lang po kayo Ma’am. Relax lang po.

Maggie: Ano ho caesarian?

Liza: Se…se…ang sakit…manganganak na ata ako! Leon!

Maggie: Ay manganganak na siya! OMG!!! Rhea! Tulungan mo naman akong mag assist! Di ko to kaya! Saan ba si Nurse Tan? Si Dr. Ruiz? Hoy!

Rhea: Puta! Pwede bang wag kang mataranta?! Pati ako nahahawa sayo, eh! Isang pasyente nga lang yan, nahihirapan ka pa!

Maggie: Eh kasi naman, dapat for caesarian talaga to eh.

( Dadating si Dr. Ruiz at si Nurse Tan. Aapproach si Rhea sa Nurse na hawak-hawak ang patient’s history sheet.)

Rhea: Nurse, my patients from beds B and C are now experiencing true labor. Both condition are experiencing premature rupture of membrane with amniotic fluid as both are wanting to bear down. Both are suffering increasing pain.

Nurse Tan: Ok, very good assessment, Ma’am. I-check ko muna kung fully dilated na ba yung cervix.

Liza: Nurse! Manganganak na rin ako!

( Lalapitan ni Nurse Tan si Liza at hahaplusin ang pawisan nitong noo.)

Nurse Tan: Ok Ma’am. But please preserve your energy para makaire kayo mamaya. Ahmm..Ms. Dela Victoria, pakipage naman si Mr. De Lima. Kailangan siya dito. Ms. Valera, assist patient B, I’ll assist patient C.

Maggie: Bakit po ba Ma’am?

Nurse Tan: Wala ng tanong tanong pa! Do it! Bilis!(Aalis si Maggie para i-page si C.I. Leon.)

(Lalapitan ni Dr. Ruiz si Liza at i-checheck ang tiyan gamit ang stethoscope.)

Dr. Ruiz: Teka? ( Hihimasin ang tiyan ni Liza.) Nurse Tan! Lintik, hindi to for normal delivery! Breech ang bata! Sino ba’ng nag-assess nito?

Nurse Tan: Si Nurse Reyes po kanina. Ngayon, yung student Nurse ni Leon.

Dr. Ruiz: Eh ba’t hindi mo ni re-assess? It’s your duty right?

Nurse Tan: Dok nasa Medicating team ako ngayon kaya pinaubaya ko na mismo yan kay Leon at sa studyante niya.

Dr. Ruiz:  Papatayin ba niyang anak at girlfriend niya? In fact, High blood to! BP UP, dali! Kumuha ka rin ng magnesium sulfate baka mag shoot-up lalo ang blood pressure nito!

(Dadating si Leon. Kasama si Maggie.)

Leon: Dok, Anong nangyari?

Dr. Ruiz: Are you going to kill your girlfriend?

Maggie: Girlfriend?

Leon: Bakit?

Dr. Ruiz: Wrong assessment by Nurse Reyes at sinigundahan pa ng magaling mong studyante! Kaya nga may reevaluation di ba?

Leon: What? Ms. Dela Victoria— ( Galit na galit na titigan si Maggie.)

Nurse Tan: Pwede mamaya na yan? Magtulungan muna tayo dito. (Natatarantang kukunan ng pulso si Liza.)

Leon: I have to talk to you later in the Affiliates room.

Maggie: Si…Sir..Leon?

Rhea:  Ayan kasi, sa sobrang kapal ng make-up, pati common sense natabunan na.

Sasara sandali ang kurtina. Bubukas ulit. Makikita si Maggie sa loob ng isang makalat na Affiliates room.

Makikita na nakaupo sa makalat na mesa si Maggie. Nakalugay ang kanyang mahabang buhok. Siya’y naka bra lamang. Ang kanyang damit pang-itaas ay nakakalat sa sahig. Nasa kanyang tabi ang isang Hello Kitty stuffed toy. Magreretouch. Nasa loudspeaker mode ang isang MP4 sa mesa.

Song sa Mp4: You’re Beautiful ni James Blunt

“My life is brilliant. My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I’m sure. She smiled me on the subway. She was with another man. But I won’t lose no sleep on that, ‘Cause I’ve got a plan. You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, it’s true.” Tapos magfafade na ang kanta.

Maggie: Good Evening Ma’am and Sir. I’m student nurse Maggie Dela Victoria and I’m here to assist your needs. Ahmmm…How do you feel right now? Are you ok? What? Is there something wrong? What can I do for you? Tsk. Plastic! First rate plastic talaga! Nursing is an act of selflessly extending care for others. Naconvince ka ba niya Mimi? (Kukunin ang ginawang Incident Report sa mesa.) With this Shit? (Pupunitin) Ha! Akala niya siguro takot ako sa kanya. Deans Lister ata to! At kahit ano mang gustuhin ko, magagawa ko. Halata naman nung una pa lang eh, ayaw na ayaw na nya na akong i-handle bilang student nurse niya. Kesyo di daw bagay sa akin ma-assign sa Delivery room dahil considered sensitive ang lahat ng patients doon. At konting pagkakamali lang eh maaring at stake ang buhay ng pasyente. Ano naman kaya ang akala niya sa akin? Tanga?! Kahapon, nung nagkamali ako sa Intravenous assessment sa isang patient, eh, I don’t want to handle you agad ang sinabi niya. I do not get good grades para pagsabihan lang niya ng ganon! Tapos ngayon ako na naman ang masama? Eh kasalanan ko bang  tanga rin si Nurse Reyes? Wrong assessment din ang binigay sa akin. Bwisit! Dumagdag pa tong feeling smart ass na si Rhea!… Laglagan pala to huh?! As far as I can remember, nagkahiwalay kami ng Leon na yan noon dahil marami siyang inaayawan sa buhay. Parang sa akin lang ata siya nagkamali. Like hindi niya gusto ang amoy ng durian, ayaw niya for a date destination ang Samal, disgusted siya sa blood red color na lipstick ko at higit sa lahat ayaw niya…na may mangyari sa amin. Para ako na nga ang nagyaya na pumunta kami sa my La Vida Inn, tapos siya talaga yung umayaw. Kesyo hindi pa daw time, masyadong bata pa daw kami for an intimate relationship, eh yun pala may iba siyang bubuntisin. Hello?! Ka Amaw na lang gyud! Noon, mahawakan lang konti ang kamay ko, I’m Sorry Maggie agad ang drama. Ni hindi nga ako nahalikan ng gago. Sino bang mag-aakala na magkakagirlfriend pala siya, eh ang nerd nerd niya noon. Tapos ngayon? Pero in fairness naman sa akin, mas maganda pa rin ako noh kung ikukumpara sa babaeng yun! Leon…tingnan lang natin kung di ka masilaw sa aking super gorgeous body! Naman, second day ko pa nga lang, dalawang I.R na ako sa kanya. Shit! Wala talagang pinagbago, perfectionist pa rin! May paconcern concern pa sa lahat ng tao, yun pala attitude display lang. Wala na bang hihigit kay Daddy, ha, Mimi?

(Uupo si Maggie sa isang mono-bloc chair at hihimas-himasin niya si Mimi. Magboboses lalaki. )

             Maggie, be a good girl always ha? Kasi pag parati kang mabait, you’ll receive chocolates and toys from Daddy. Di na kasi naaasikaso ni Mommy si Daddy eh. Kaya si Maggie at Daddy na lang muna ang maglalaro. Basta yung ginagawa natin sa room pag gabi wag sabihin kay Mommy ok? It’s our secret. Shhhh…

(Tatayo)

            Akalain ko ba namang iiwan agad ako ni Daddy? Nag promise pa siya na di niya ako iiwan, yun pala, mawawala siya ng dahil lang sa isang car accident. Liar! Parang katulad lang din ng mga naging ex ko!

(Luluhod.)

Baby Maggie! You are my life! I need you! Anong gusto mong grado? 95? 98? Ano? Kung gusto mo maging first honors sabihin mo lang! Or …kung gusto mo… bukas na bukas din…magfa-file na ako ng annulment sa aking asawa! Sabihin mo lang Maggie at gagawin ko lahat! I badly need you my sweetheart!

(Tatayo ulit.)

Nakonsensiya naman ako sa uugod-ugod na wife niya at ayun, hiniwalayan ko. Matanda na kasi! Minsan tinutulugan na ako sa kama! Pero I realized, kelangan ko pa pala siya to passed Nursing Management 100. Gosh ang hirap kaya pumasa sa subject na yun! Kaya binalikan ko na lang agad. Parang etong si Leon lang naman ang Kill Joy sa lahat ng mga naging ex ko! Ang super iba sa kanila.

(Maglalagay ng makapal na lipstick sa labi. Papatayin niya ang ilaw.)

Leon: (Bubuksan ang pintuan at ang ilaw.) Maggie! Maggie!

Maggie: Sir? (Nagkukunwaring nagbibihis.)

Leon: Jesus Christ! Magbihis ka muna! Pag-uusapan natin yung ginawa mo kanina.

Maggie: Alin po dun Sir? (Lalapit kay Leon at lalandiin ito.)

Leon: Tang’ ina! Sabi ko magbihis ka!

Maggie: Naiinitan kasi ako Sir eh! Hindi ka ba naiinitan? Sira kasi ang aircon dito.

Leon: Make 20 I.R’s now! Or baka gusto mong umabot pa to sa Dean’s Office? (Aktong lalabas. Pipigilan ni Maggie.)

Maggie: Dito ka muna Sir. Sige ka mas ma-sistress ka dun sa girlfriend mo.

Leon: Get out of my way now! I have no time for silly things!

Maggie: Talaga? (Hihimasin ang mukha ni Leon. At pagkatapos, itutulak si Leon sa mesa.) Sige Sir, sigawan mo pa ako, para maramdaman ko ang takot. Scary and creepy di ba? Takutin mo pa ako. Gaya ng pananakot ni Daddy sa panaginip ko.

Leon: ( Nanginginig ang kamay.) Baliw ka ba?!  Maggie, tigilan mo ako please lang.

Maggie: Ba’t kita titigilan? Sige na, pagalitan mo na ako, Sir! (Titigan si Leon sa mata at hahalikan sa leeg.) O baka ikaw na ngayon ang takot sa akin?

Leon: Maggie please…

Maggie: Is this for real? Marunong ka palang magmakaawa Leon?

Leon: Do’nt let me do this…Ma…Maggie… (Hahalikan si Maggie. Magugulat ang dalaga.)

Leon: So…sorry…

Maggie: Sinasabi ko na nga ba eh, wala ka pala talagang pinagkaiba sa kanila. Bibigay ka rin.

Leon: Sorry Ms. De la Victoria. I…I

Maggie: Pero alam mo, wala ka pa ring pinagbago. Marunong ka pa ring humingi ng sorry.

Voiceover: Calling the attention of Mr. De Lima, please proceed to the general ward now.

Leon: Siguro nga hindi ako nagbago Maggie. Siguro nga…Well, Ms. Dela Victoria, make only two I.R’s. Wala namang namatay na pasyente.

(Kukunin ni Maggie si Mimi sa mono-bloc chair. )

Maggie: Teka, regalo ko sa magiging anak mo, Daddy Leon. Pakisabi na lang galing sa Tita Maggie niya.

Leon: Salamat.

Maggie: Wait…Uhmmm..can…can I see you tomorrow? Sa dati nating–

Leon: Well…ah…I will still have to think about it, Mags. (Hihimasin ni Leon ang braso ni Maggie.)

Maggie: Please? (Hahawakan ni Maggie ang kamay ni Leon.)

Leon: Sorry, but…I ..I have to go now. I have a lot of things to do.

Maggie: Si…Sige Sir. 

( Bubuksan ni Leon ang pinto at aalis. Maiiwan si Maggie na nagbibihis ng may biglang tatawag sa kanyang phone.)

Maggie: Hello babe? Ok na grades ko sa Nursing Management 100? No, you don’ have to. Magreretake na lang ako. What? Tomorrow night? No, I can’t. My duty pa kasi ako dito sa hospital eh. Sa Thursday na lang? Hindi rin ako available eh. Sorry. Bye.

(Liligpitin na ni Maggie ang kanyang gamit. Maririnig ulit ang background music. “You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face,  When she thought up that I should be with you. But it’s time to face the truth,  I will never be with you.” Music fades.  Lights off.)

  -Wakas-

Published in SunStar Davao

June 14th, 2009

–a post birthday gift..:p

gamayng kahayag sa samin,
ang dyutay kong namatikdan

kalkag nga buhok,
muta sa mata,
uga nga ngabil,

hinay hinay
kong gitulon
ang napan-os kong
laway.

naghubog ang duha ka
pulong

ikaw ug ako

madayganon ka
dinhi kanako

madayganon usab kong
midumili nimos

apan,
napugos gyud ko
nimo.

busa, ayaw pagdahom
og mga bulak sa kabuntagon,
kay mintras gihuraman pa
nimo akong lawas
ako ra ang makabuot
kung kanus-a taka
papahawaon

ug karong adlawa,

buot kong tunawon
ka sama sa pagkatunaw
sa yelo niadtong gabhiona

hulat lang,
ug kon mahilis na
kining gamayng tableta,
laomi, mahilis ug
mubulag ra gyud ka
kanako
sulod ning lawasa.

A short story

Published in Sunstar Davao

March 4th, 2009

Beyond the frames of the glass windows of Davao Medical Center was the cold hard rain. I glanced at the wall clock: 3:05. Time for endorsement call; but I could not free myself from lingering thoughts and the sound of a familiar name. The ceiling fan was not working again. Sweat trickled down my forehead down to my nose and lips; some droplets on my neck glided towards my nape. I felt sweat from my chin trickle down to my throat onto the sides of my breasts and, after finding the main freeway, explore my navel: I had already bathed.

The sharp blend of odors in the Nurses’ station was shaking my consciousness: the scent of oranges, a nearby diabetic’s necrotic foot, an open bottle of rubbing alcohol, the smell of fresh blood expelled from a womb contracting from the neighboring Delivery Room, and spilled urine on the floor from a patient’s urobag. It was exhausting.

Or, perhaps, it was creating a different kind of delusion.

The name?

What’s the name again? The diagnosis?

“Divinagracia, Maria Ana.”

I looked at him. He called my name. Dayaganon, K.M. was my Practicing Clinical Instructor.

His eyebrows rose and threatened to disappear into his hairline. His voice was stern and cold, commanding an immediate response. He was a skinny guy with islands of pricked pimple scars, wrinkles and lines all over his bony face; hair not gray, but he was almost bald anyway, so he wouldn’t care; his eyes, like his brother’s, garishly black.

Twenty-one years old, I assumed, approximately two years older than me. In the Department, he was well-known for having a peculiar character of preaching the non-existence of the Divine Creator by tearing the pages of the Bible apart, right in front of shocked and appalled nursing students and faculty. And he was my PCI. I knew his brother, Kith; but I didn’t even know him at all. All I knew was that I had to follow him. Only that lingered in my mind – a hostile stare and—

“Go to the O.B ward and…Are you with me, Ma’am?”

“Huh? Sir…”

“Have you been aware that I was talking?”

“About the Endorsement Call, Sir?”

“I suppose you know that this isn’t a joke right?”

“I’m sorry, Sir. I’m just not…“

“Sorry isn’t our business here. I hope you know that.”

His voice was low, but it reverberated with a sting of indifference, of cool sarcasm. It was less than cordial, but it sounded professional, which was what I expected of him. He shoved the endorsement note toward my chest and walked away. He took fast, edgy strides to the O. B. ward and left me stupefied and still gazing at his stiff back. From afar, his silhouette looked like an Intravenous stand being pulled away by someone. I wonder who was pulling him and to where.

—

The sound of footsteps and the noisy chatter at the O.B ward rang in my ears — a sort-of music, of which I was already fond of and, I suppose, was expected to hear as a student nurse. The sound; it was like hearing the beating waves of an electrocardiogram singing a melancholy tale for the first time. The notes were the P, QRS, and T waves – oh, like P waves under pressure to conquer the right atrium, and QRS waves having already preceded them, then a contraction from the left ventricle, a complication and a crisis. Finally, through the help of God, T waves push forward and perform ventricular repolarization, the falling action and the resolution (I think my high school teacher called it denouement). The sound in both an ECG machine and a piece of literature — they are one and the same. Things perceived to collide can also be as beautiful in motion, creating a split-second unison. Or it could be that the interrelatedness of two different worlds is caused by the irreconcilable collisions of their science, of their meaning, and of their beliefs? What a joke! Like him, now, being my instructor, and I, his student. A joke. A bad one. I didn’t know enough; and maybe I did.

Nursing. It had been Mamang, minus Papang, who urged me to pursue the field. Well, I thought, this was just practical. After Graduation, pass the board exam. After the board exam, find a job. After two years of working in God-forsaken hospitals, fly abroad and earn thousands of dollars. Find a husband and be a beautiful millionaire — a husband who will play the piano instead of the guitar, who will wear leather shoes instead of a dog-eared sneakers and who will refuse to wear a faded black shirt with print screaming “I am an EMO.” A guy whose eyes would penetrate my thoughts. A guy who has hands not big enough to numb a girl’s reflexes, but not weak enough to calm her passions. A guy who kisses a sweaty forehead instead of bruising an innocent lip. A guy who doesn’t own me, but possesses me. A guy different from his brother Kith.

I held my record book and pen and started to examine the patient’s diagnosis.

Preeclampsia severe.

Women here in the O. B. ward had to and did share many things, apart from the stale air that pervaded their space. From bed spaces they were forced to share (if there is an overflowing number of mothers who have just given birth, one bed for two patients is mandatory), to pillows, IV stands, blankets, and even personal things like mugs, utensils, and pacifiers — all are being shared between and among them. The ward smelled of blood, fetid; it even reminded me of my first menstruation in second year high. K.M.’s brother, Kith, was witness to the first red stain on my uniform. His black handkerchief brought some relief. The bloodstain wasn’t evident; it hardly existed at all. But the feeling, knowing it was there, bothered me to no end.

“Dayaganon, Leah.” I said.

The patient’s name was familiar. I believe she was a classmate. She was not a best friend, not a friend, not a confidante. She was just a meter from where I was standing; lying supine in a bed she shared this with an old woman whom I knew nothing about, save for the fact that she had just given birth.

“Maayong Hapon, Ma’am. I’m student nurse Maria Ana. I’m here to assist your needs. How are you right now?” I flashed a wide smile.

She was my age. Nineteen. Yet, visibly, she was a paradox — bony from neck to foot. She had long and rumpled hair that veiled her eyes, which were shifting restlessly, staring in countless directions, failing to meet my own. Her face was as pale as the sheet where she lay. Her cheekbones were stretched tight like white cloth over a frame. Her lips were bruised and parched. Her face was waxed with the forced growth of a young mother, not for the better but for a hard to define experience, none of which was really my business anymore. They had, however, bothered me for the most of five minutes.

“Miss Dayaganon, have you been drinking your antibiotics every 12 hours?”

“Yes,” was her cautious reply.

None of my business; but I wanted to know what led her here. What happened? She had this petite cheerleader body, a sunny smile, a warm face; too different from what I was seeing before me — the exact opposite. What happened to her and Kith? She had aged more than what was clinically expected. Unprecedented growth, maybe; I wasn’t sure. I wanted to know.

She breaks the silence. “You look good in your uniform.”

“Salamat. How have you been for the last five years? I haven’t heard of you or Kith since I transferred to a different school.” I said, full of interest.

“Kith’s my husband.”

My Husband. The phrase injected into me the same way a tuberculin syringe is stabbed into the epithelium for skin testing. Piercing; very painful.

“Ah, I see.”

“You’re graduating next year?”

“If God permits.” I managed a toothy smile.

“He will. I’m sure He will. But never for me. And…” Her gaze rested on me; her mystery from years back, I saw, had remained.

Her eyes grimaced with the silent scream of illness, filled with deep frustration and bitterness, of which I probably could not nurse. It was as if she had suffered throbbing pangs of pain, not from labor, but, I presume, from invisible stab wounds cloaked beneath what had become of her life in the five years that passed.

“…even for Kith…”

Having finished regulating her I.V, I jotted down information about her physical appearance. I just shrugged and watched her.

I didn’t know what she meant. I wanted her to voluntarily spill details, but my mouth was already numb. I couldn’t say anything more or even ask her another question. From afar, K.M. again gave that hostile stare, which meant I was not allowed to chat with patients on a too personal level.

“Just remember to extend care; but always reserve something for yourself”

I remembered his words. Don’t inquire much.

Nursing, a duty, a profession, a job. There is a huge difference between a nurse saying “How are you, and what do you feel right now?” and a person, compassionate enough, wanting to know how someone really feels. Service will always be mandatory. I don’t get to choose my patient. The task chooses me. The job was comparable to what Mamang did when she knew about Kith. A break-up was mandatory. She didn’t like the idea that he, a known gangster, would have an intimate relationship with me. “He might ruin our dream of you of becoming a nurse. Listen to me, I am your mother.”

—

Soon I was busy chatting with Leah. Rapt in our bond as former classmates and for our common infatuation towards Kith; I was astounded that K.M. was already doing his rounds. A knife-like stare fled from him and…

“What time is it Ma’am?”

I could see he was wearing your watch; and even if he forgot to wear it, there were plenty of huge wall clocks hanging on the walls of nurse’s station.

“ Why haven’t you recorded your patient’s vital signs on the logbook? You don’t want an I.R. right?”

He cut my reply before I had even begun.

I.R. or Incident Report is the equivalent being labeled “oplok”. “Oplok” meant stupid; and it meant a serious blunder for student nurses. Even the letter I or R, or jumbled R.I could create seizures and palpitations. Getting an I.R,, on my part, meant more than “oplok” — it meant committing a sin: an approximation of enduring the fires of Satan’s hell.

5:56 p.m. He assessed that the IV tubing inserted into my patient’s right metacarpal vein was swelling. That finding stirred anxiety within me. I.R. The letters. They were gulping me down. The letters.

“ Sir, I was still writing my sample charting and I still have to…” I was already clothed with sweat. I tried to reason but I got only a sharp reply.

“Does that mean the objective data is already excluded from your sample charting?”

“Sir? I was just writing the subjective part. The…”

“Again, Ma’am, what time is it?” He pointed his index finger to your watch.

“5: 56.” I looked at the wall clock by the nurses’ station, and bowed my head out of respect and in shame.

“At what time do we need the sample charting?”

“6:00.”

“Make an I .R. now.”

Incident Report. The fear was real. K.M. headed toward our Clinical Instructor to report my mistake. For the second time, he left me stunned while gaping at his angular back, bewildered at the twist of events and his manner. How could he be so offensive? I.R. and “oplok”, they’re just words; but they stung. Again, his outline was that of an Intravenous stand being pulled away by someone. Now I was sure who was pulling him: my mistake.

The clock ticked 5:59 and I saw him coming back under his own steam, now with more conviction. He was audibly panting.

“C.I. De Jesus has advised that you should perform KSS immediately. I suppose you know what that means. Keep The Set Sterile. Okay?”

He commanded as though I were a five year old.

“Prepare your plaster, and alcohol, and cotton balls, and needle, and… what is the appropriate gauge?”

“Sir, I haven’t prepared the…”

“Then, what? Waiting for the resurrection of the dead or your God?”

Jittery, I took the stairs three at a time to retrieve my paraphernalia bag at the sepia colored Affiliates room.

Inside, I looked closely at the wooden floor, the brown walls, the ceiling, and the dirty curtain. The rain was still pounding; the world looked daunting. I looked for the materials inside the bag hastily and cluttered things I didn’t need. Unfortunately, fate still wasn’t on my side.

God, is this the accidental interrelatedness of fate? Or the forced collision of the irreconcilable? Or just one of your several plain jokes? I muttered.

“Where are your materials?” His lips twitched.

His cunning eyes transfixed on mine.

“Sir…ah…actually, I don’t have any cotton balls. But I have the other materials.” I said almost inaudibly while showing him the materials.

“Do you really want this course?” He gave me skeptical look.

“Of course, Sir. Nursing is my first choice.” I tried to put up a diplomatic front, but I really wasn’t sure.

“ Liar.” You abruptly uttered.

“Sir, this is my first choice.’ I retorted firmly, unable to stand it all, but also afraid that people around would notice the tension.

“ Fine; but let me remind you, Nursing is not playschool.” His voice was low, but it was enough to make the crowd curious.

People from the O.B ward eyed us as if we were worth the attention. I was helpless in this condition. In the end, I moved towards Leah, my patient, and told her I was going to perform KSS. I cupped her hand and held it. I took some cotton balls damp with alcohol and made several circular strokes around her right hand; slowly, I peeled off the wet and already dirty plaster as I searched for the location of the I.V. cannula. When my eyes alighted on it, I softly pulled out the cannula from the outlines of the metacarpal vein. I was off somewhere in the clouds, far far away to apply the requisite pressure. The blood spurted out like water from a raging pipeline. Unfortunately, it spattered to his white uniform.

“Divinagracia.” He fixed his eyes on me.

Resistance stage. My lungs took in more air and my heart began beating faster and harder. — to circulate a highly oxygenated and nourished blood to my muscles to prepare my body for a fight, flight, or freeze behavior, as Sir De Jesus would define it. I believe this is the freeze stage.

K.M’s eyes were sporting fiery red halos. Or maybe I was having a delusion of some sort, again? Maybe. Maybe not.

—

When the terrible incident cleared, it was already 7:05 p.m. The first and the last. I mumbled and sighed with much exasperation. I could hear people whispering about the incident and me. And if I were about to pen a story, this would be the last thing I would write about. I sat down in shame. I had never been insulted like this all my life; and like so many other times, I had to swallow my pride. I must eat dinner with him. And if, again, this was interrelatedness, I didn’t know why God had been pushing us together, though it seems that we were both repelling each other.

K.M. and me sat across each other on a bench full of graffiti inside the hospital‘s cafeteria.

“Miss, you want a Bible?” An old woman wearing a white veil approached me.

“No thanks. I already have one.” I smiled.

The old woman walked way, and I saw him smirk.

“Religion. Investing faith in someone not even seen.” He started while filling his mouth with spoonfuls of rice.

“What’s wrong with you?” It took a staggering amount of courage to ask him such.

“Could you ask yourself that instead?”

“Yeah. But don’t you have any diplomacy, at all?“

“In order to please other people? It’s not my thing.”

“But could you at least be cordial? You’ve been saying nursing is an act of extending care, and you’re acting like that?”

“It’s a heavy job. And I know I have to extend care over and over again. That’s why I don’t want to give all. I still have myself, and — Leah.”

“Leah? You mean my patient?”

“Yeah, Leah. She’s not my girlfriend but I have to take care of her. She’s my brother’s widow for almost a month now.”

Kith was my first love. It had been five years since we broke up. But I could not understand why the word “widow” was more piercing than “broke-up”. I felt cold sweat enveloping my body. I was weakening as little by little. I didn’t know.

He eyed me, curious of my sudden silence.

“You know my brother Kith?”

“He’s my ex.”

My ex. It was the safest thing to say. Interrelatedness. I knew it.

—-

It was 9:00 when we returned to Affiliates room, as commanded by our clinical instructor for the endorsement report. No one was there except us. The light bulb flickered, giving an impression that the room was really haunted. It didn’t scare me at all. We sat together on a narrow wooden bench and talked about everything. He talked about how unfortunate it was for him to take all the responsibility his brother left behind, and how religion was brainwashing the minds of people about the existence of a God, and how it would be difficult for him to find a woman to marry without encountering the trouble of a woman mistaking Leah for his wife, and I was holding onto my patience just to give you an idea what cordiality was.

“You know what interrelatedness means?”

“Interrelatedness? From the word itself, I guess it’s the sense of being related. Like you, once related to my brother. Why?” Puzzled by the sudden shift of my conversation, you looked up.

“Nothing. You know what, Kith and you have the same eyes and lips. But different from him.” I gazed with much confidence.

“Of course. I am more manly. Imagine, he died and left his family without even…

“You know how to kiss?”

“I never had a girlfriend before, so it’s safe to say that I don’t know. And…”

“You must know. You know almost everything, right?”

“But not kissing.”

I fixed a stare at him; and it came to me that at this moment I would overpower him. My eyes were all set, not for vengeance, not even for cordiality, but for the urge to transform into reality the religion of what-could’ve-beens if I was still with Kith now. His garishly black eyes were starting to turn uneasy and pale. I stroked his chest and I could feel his heart pounding. I touched his hands; they were sweaty, cold and trembling. Unmistakably, my arms clasped around his neck. He was shocked. My caresses and gestures seemed to weaken him. I didn’t know where my convictions were coming from, but I knew it was more than faith. My warm lips were pressed first to his forehead, then down to his nose, then to his lips. At first, I managed to be gentle, but I saw Kith in him, and then I came to realize I must let go. Our kiss transformed the world around us. Subtle, eventually, passionate. I consumed him before he could even consume me. The chilly and tingling sensation was entirely different from what I had before with Kith. Exciting. His innocent lips, I didn’t want to nurse it. I wanted to bruise it over and over again.

Our kiss. It was interrelatedness, an initiation of something addictive, something more profound than Divine intervention. Carnal. More carnal.

I didn’t know this would happen.

In my heart, his name was Dayaganon, Kith. Always would be.

The Davao Fragments

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